Coffee Session at School

Today there was a coffee session with Ju’s teachers and other parents in school.

A few parents came and approach us and ask is Julian our son. They all said Julian is like the mascot of the school. Whenever they see him, he is always smiling or laughing, and will greet them with good mornings and bye byes… I did not really know how to react to that feedback so I just said, “Oh yes. He is indeed a happy boy and he really loves talking!”

Later on, we got to speak to Ju’s teacher who is in charge of teaching him sounds and numbers. She feedback that she finds it a challenge to work with Ju whenever she needs him to sit and concentrate for sounds. He would always be fidgeting, making noise, talking, tapping things…. At times she would be firm with him and have to use the ultimatum to get his concentration back, that is saying “Ok. If you don’t want to learn, I am not going to waste my time.” Then, Ju will guai guai sit down and concentrate for a good 2 mins!

This is what we experience at home too, and we used the ultimatum quite often too… not a good sign though… Teacher ask us to play silence game with him more consistently at home starting with short duration of time and slowly increasing it.

Hopefully in this one week school holiday, we will be able to work with him to appreciate silence more…

Sometimes I really wonder where his energies come from. I appreciate him being a happy, confident and vocal child, but many times I doubt is this hyperness in him too much… and will he feel miserable from me trying to suppress him from what he wants to do or say…

A message for me

Mentally tired again, thinking about Julian and myself as I was lying down on the bed while waiting for Ju to fall asleep. Picked up a book ” Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelson” and continued from where I stopped reading. The first paragraph that I read was this…

Think for just a moment, though: your son is demonstrating a number of wonderful qualities. He is courageous and not afraid to try new things. He is able to connect ideas and actions, and he hurtles through life with excitement and curiousity. The same traits that exhaust you today may be just the traits that will make him a successful, capable adult later on.

This message is god sent. I need to be nourished again.

You are not my friend!

On Tuesday, Julian’s chinese teacher gave me a feedback when I was in school to fetch Ju home.

There was a boy eating cornflakes during tea break. Julian went over and wanted a share. Teacher then asked Ju to ask his friend if he wanted to share his cornflakes. She said Ju asked “Please can I share your cornflakes?” The boy said “No”. Ju responded to the rejection saying “You are not my friend!” with an angry look on his face and walked away.

When I heard this, a few thoughts ran through my mind. Hmm.. where did he learn that from? It was good that he did not snatch upon rejection like he used to but it was not good to say “You are not my friend!’. Our baby is no longer a baby. He has grown up into a boy and is learning to deal with rejections. 

John called on our way home to say Hello and I told him the feedback that teacher gave. Before bedtime, John had a talk with Ju about this while I was busy packing things.

John: Ju, did your friend eat cornflakes in school today?

Ju: Yes (while he was busy putting on the belt on mummy’s pair of jeans)

John: Did you ask your friend if he wanted to share his cornflakes with you?

Ju: Yes (still busy with the belt…)

John: Did your friend say No?

Ju: Yes  (still busy with the belt…)

John: After that, did you say “You are not my friend”?

Ju: Yes  (still busy with the belt…)

John: Is it nice to say that?

Ju: No  (still busy with the belt…)

John: Yes, it’s not nice to say that.  It’s ok if your friend doesn’t want to share.  You should still share if your friend ask you ok?

Ju: (No reply… still busy with the belt…)

John decided to stop at that point when Ju stopped replying.  John knew Ju was listening although he was busy with the belt as he answered all the questions except the last one.  So John decided to give Ju time to reflect.

During the school holidays, we had a major challenge of teaching him about sharing. On top of that, we had to deal with his tantrums.  He would snatch and hide things behind his back regardless if it was his own or his friend’s property. Every play-date was extremely tiring and embarrassing. This tantrum and sharing storm lasted for about more than a month.

Having read the book “Positive Time-Out” by Jane Nelson, John and I started a “Happy Corner” for him to vent and cool off whenever he needed to. Each time he threw a tantrum, we carried him there. Surprisingly he would stay in the corner and cry all he needed until he was ready. We would sit a distance away from him and wait for him until he was ready, where he would usually say “I finish crying”.  He would then walk out and hug us to make peace with us. We saw the number of tantrum episodes decrease rapidly and the number of times he needed to cool off at the corner also decreased from 3 to 4 times a day to about 1 or 2 times a week now. I think he understood that he does not need to cry to get what he wanted. Somehow he was more receptive to be good after he comes out from the corner. His snatching behaviour has also toned down and he is more willing to share during play dates now.

The next thing that we  have to learn now is how to help him cope with rejections and in times when his things are snatched away. Our little Ju is growing up!

Week 2 in school – Realisation

Day 1 (Tuesday)

Looking at how well Julian had coped last week in school, I thought it would be fine with John sending him to school alone on his way to work. I went ahead to help my mum purchase medication and thereafter attend a talk at a nearby area. 

John SMSed me after he left Ju at school. He said Ju sang his own song with only one word for the lyrics, “Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy…” all the way to school on the bus. I can imagine the sleepy passengers on board must be awaken by him. Haha!

At about 1030am, a teacher called me to inform me that Ju fell backwards from a little step while he was trying to jump up and down from the step. When I fetched Ju from school, he looked so happy to see me. Another teacher told me he cried for me today, and that was earlier before he fell. After we left, I asked Ju did he cry in school and he said yes. Then he said “Ju Ju cry because Ju Ju waiting for mummy.” 

Poor Ju… He must be wondering why I did not accompany him to school today.  He was probably afraid that I would not be back to fetch him despite John and I having told him that I would fetch him from school.

 

Day 2 (Wednesday)

John and I accompanied Ju to school together today. When we all entered the gate, Ju said “I don’t want to say bye bye.” We stayed for awhile, accompanying him to choose a work to do. A teacher saw us and initiated to bring out play doh from the fridge for the younger kids to play with. She brought Julian to join in the fun and we took the opportunity to say bye to Ju. He drop his playdoh and cried “I don’t want to say bye bye! I want mummy to stay with Ju Ju! I want to follow mummy! I want bao bao (means to carry him)! I carried him and walked to a quiet corner. Another teacher saw us and gently offered Ju to bring him see a group of older kids working on eye check. Ju agreed and allowed the teacher to carry him. John and I then said “See you later!” to Ju but he did not respond and we left.

A teacher told us this is a common behavior of a child new to school. They are usually fine in school for the first one or two weeks before they go into a realization period. During this period, they will try to make us stay with him in school. If we stay awhile each time he cries, he will just learn that this is the way to make us stay longer with him. She suggested that when we come on Friday, she will try to distract Ju to an activity and we will say goodbye and leave. 

I felt so sad to see him cry for me like that. I am afraid that he will feel that we are abandoning him. It is so contradicting. Last week when he happily said bye to us on the first day, I felt like it does not matter to him whether I am with him or not. Today is a heartbreaking experience.

When I went to fetch him later, teacher told me he sat at the step crying very sadly for a good 2 minutes while she sat with him silently throughout. After that, he stopped crying on his own and was fine throughout the whole morning. He would go to the gate occasionally and ask “Where is mummy” without crying. When the teacher told him that he needed to give mummy some time to take a bus, he would go off and do his work.

 

Day 3 (Friday)

I was quite anxious for the past two days whether he would cry in school today and went to search for ideas online on how to ease the process. Most articles suggested that there should be a “ritual” in saying goodbye. 

I verbally went through the process with Ju yesterday and told him we CANNOT say “bye bye” to each other, and would only say “see you later” because mummy is coming back later to fetch Ju Ju. (Ju cried at hearing bye bye so we thought better change a word).

The process is… Daddy and mummy will bring Ju to school together… Ju will put his bag and water bottle in place… Daddy and mummy will give Ju a big hug… Daddy and mummy will say “see you later”… then it will be Ju’s turn to say “see you later”… Ju open the gate for daddy and mummy… then daddy and mummy will step out… Ju close the gate…

We also tried to prepare him by anticipating him to help the teachers bake cookies on Friday, which was on the schedule. At times when he said he did not want to go to school, we told him that he will miss the chance of baking cookies as a result. Then, he will say he want to go to school. 

We even put a family photo in his bag, asking him to go and kiss daddy and mummy whenever he misses us. 

John and I accompanied Ju to school together today. It was much easier but Ju did not get to open and close the gate for us. Instead, a teacher carried him to see the preparation for baking later and Ju said “See you later!” to us. PHEW!! Haha!

When I fetched him after school, teacher told me he had one episode of whining but was totally fine after that. She said he sang and sang to himself throughout the day. In fact, Ju did not want to go home when I ask him to! He was engrossed cleaning table and folding handkerchief so I waited till he was done before we left.

These are the Christmas cookies Ju and his friends baked today… taste yummy!

 

What a week! His tantrums had reduced so much this week but it was another emotion to deal with…

Julian, can you see how anxious daddy and mummy are? I hope you are enjoying yourself in school and will settle in soon.

Julian’s Day 3 in school

On Friday, we were 20 mins early when we alighted at the bus stop. Instead of entering the school so early, Julian and I went on an exploration walk along the way to school in order to kill time. Julian enjoyed it, stopping to touch flowers, marching to and fro on a short pebbled area several times, looking at a barking puppy from outside a resident’s house and squatting down to check out a slightly opened “pong pong” like fruit on the ground.

When we finally arrived at the school, a boy greeted Ju saying “The baby is here!” Today, the teachers were busy with other kids and was not there to distract Ju. I told Ju to go check out what one of the teacher was showing the kor kor and jie jie and said I will be going off, and will be back later. Initially he said no, but after a short while, he turned and said bye bye to me. Then he went to join the older kids to see what the teacher is doing.

I went to snap a picture of his taken by the teachers to place at his bag shelf space for easy recognition. He look very gentle in this photo. A teacher told me they had a hard time taking photo for me as he will walk away when he saw them taking photo, so this pic was captured at a distance while he was not looking and they cropped it.

When I went to fetch Ju after his class. My friend, who is teaching there told me Julian stood at the gate calling out for me, “Mummy. Mummy!”. Fortunately, he did not cry. My friend said he pooed and refuse to allow the other teachers to change him and my friend managed to persuade him to let her change his diapers. She also told me that Ju made his own egg sandwich today and a teacher passed the sandwich in a zip lock bag to Ju. Ju took it and said “I want to share with daddy and mummy.”

Just a short while later, Ju started crying and said “I want to eat sandwich! I don’t want to share with daddy!” He then sat on the ground instantly and started his tantrum cry! My friend and I told him that he can eat it after he stop crying. We waited silently for him to stop. It took awhile before he stopped crying and we left the school. He was so anxious to eat his masterpiece! We stood outside the school and he had a bite before we moved on. I had a bite too. It was good!

Now, silly me! I realised I forgot to bring my home keys! I called John and arranged to meet him to collect the keys from him. Julian was very very tired, and at the same time wanted so much to eat his sandwich. He sat on the bench at the bus stop, eating and his body swaying like he is going to fall asleep anytime. I kept his bread and carried him in my arms. He knocked off right away.

He woke up when I met John and Ju let daddy had a bite of his sandwich. Ha! Daddy said “Nice!”

This is the end of his first week of school.

Julian’s Day 2 in school

Day 2 in school! Julian very quickly said bye bye to me when a teacher offered to bring him choose a scooping work to work on. When I went to fetch him after school ended, he gave endless bye byes to the teachers, chinese teacher, kor kors and jie jies in school.

On our way home from school, I asked Julian what he did in school today. He said, “Work!” Then he said, “Ju Ju drop the biscuit and the bird come and eat eat eat all the biscuit!” 

Back home, he took a long 4 hours nap (His nap usually last for maximum 3 hours)! He must be so tired “working” so hard in school.

During dinner, we talked to Julian about his school. Ju said,” Ju Ju throw ball… and then through the tunnel, and then the ball go home. After dinner, Ju went to his room and took out his mat and started rolling and unrolling it repeatedly on the floor skillfully. He said, “Ms Christina show you.” (He meant Ms Christina showed him how to do it.”

I am still very excited to hear what new experience he will tell us everyday after school. Is this a first child syndrome? Ha!

All these moments are something which I cannot recall for myself when I started school many years ago. I hope I am able to capture and record them so that in future Julian will be able to see the journey he had travelled.

Julian’s first day at school – Part 2

I was slightly early when I went to fetch Julian from school. I saw him walking around the dining table when I entered the school compound. (I found out from the teacher later that he was eyeing on the coloured cornflakes on the table. Ha!) Then a teacher called out to him “Julian, It’s time to go home. Mummy is here!” Julian then looked around for me with a blur look without realizing I was right at the gate entrance. He gave me a wide smile when he saw me. With the teacher’s assistance, he kept his work material, tucked in the chair under the table and then collected his water bottle. 

While the teacher was giving me her feedback on his first day, he sneaked out to the playground. The teacher’s feedback was… Ju did not cry at all. He was ok even after I left. No tantrums too. The teacher also said that he has a very strong will. When he chooses a work he like, he will finish it no matter how difficult it is. She said today that he was playing with syringe and water and the syringe was quite tough to pull. Ju was determined to try it out, which he did succeed and looked so skillful with it. Then I told her that it was because syringe is one of his bathtub toys at home so it was not new to him. That explains to her why Ju was so familiar with it. The teacher also said she saw Ju yawn a few times in school and he looked tired. It will take awhile for him to adjust to the early timing. 

I told the teacher about his “back to babyhood” tantrum behaviors recently. Not long after, Ju threw a mild tantrum at the playground, asking me to carry his water bottle for him. I asked him to walk over to pass me the water bottle and he started stamping his feet and having tantrum cries where he was standing. I stood at the gate and told him I am going off. He walked over to me reluctantly and ended his cries after handing me the bottle.  

While we were walking to the bus stop, I asked Ju what he learnt in school. He said, “Learn beads, learn ball, throw ball, got blue line, got red line,” and then started singing a Chinese song he learnt he school. So cute to see him vocalize about his day at school. Back at home when he was having his bathtub time, he played with his syringe and said “Mummy see Ju Ju work! (In school, they tell the kids that they are working instead of playing.) Ju Ju play syringe with water in Montessori school you know.” I am very glad to see him relate what he does with what he learnt from school.

Tomorrow is Day 2 and I hope Ju will enjoy his day as much as today 🙂

Julian’s first day at school – Part 1

I could not really sleep well last night, waking up several times in the middle of the night to check whether the sun has risen yet… as if it was my first day of school! Haha! 

This morning, Ju woke up smiling… remembering he was going to his Montessori school. No struggles in getting him to dress up, brush teeth and drink milk at all. What a good start for the day!

John and I sent Julian to school together. When we were nearing the school, John told Ju that daddy would be going to work and mummy would be somewhere nearby waiting to fetch him later when school ends. Ju said calmly, “No. Mummy follow Ju Ju to school. Mummy play with Ju Ju.” 

Upon reaching the school. There were no kids around yet. The staff were cleaning the furniture. Ju had a smiley face on him and was happy to put his water bottle to the designated rack. The teacher in charge came and greeted us and brought Ju to a rack to choose the work material he liked to work on. Then the teacher told Ju, “Daddy and mummy will be going to have coffee at the coffee shop outside ok? Would you like to say bye bye to daddy and mummy?” Ju looked up smiling and said “See you later!” to us. Haha! Then he went ahead to do his work. He was so engrossed in the new things there that I had to call him twice before saying “Bye Bye” to him. He also happily waved bye bye to us. Haha!

I was afraid over the past few days that he would cry as we left the school but that did not happen at all. Hmm… abit disappointed that he did not cry for us.. haha! WIERD feeling! So contradicting!

Here I am sitting in a MacDonalds nearby enjoying my peaceful hours… 

Thank God for the smooth morning!

 

 

Message from a friend

Today, a friend, Lina shared with me this message through SMS after reading my blog post on losing my cool. She said this was what her hubby told her recently when she loses her cool…

“It is not very much on parenting the child but rather parenting ourselves. So even when a child errs, they will see that their parents do not behave in a negative way and will learn from them. God bless us with children so that we can learn to love them despite their unpleasantness. God’s other plan when he bless us with children is to change ourselves to embrace them.”

I have heard of this before, but I tend to be complacent with life and put this plan of God behind my mind and allow my emotions to take control of me. I thank Lina and Paul for sending me this important message. I am placing your message here so that I will always be reminded when I read back on this posting.

Tomorrow will be Julian’s first day of school. He threw a tantrum again when he refused to brush teeth and bath before going to bed. I told him if he is going to continue his tantrum and crying then we will not be going to school tomorrow and he stopped immediately. This reverse psychology is working on him for now and looks like he is looking forward to school. I was sort of relieved. hee… I was wondering whether he will cry when we leave him from school tomorrow. I hope he won’t…

Losing my cool

I can’t sleep. John and Julian are now asleep while I am here updating my virtual diary…

I lost my cool again… Julian threw a tantrum just now because he did not want to go to bed. I followed my frustrated mind and snapped him with my finger 3 times continuously on his face, in front of John and his mum. Julian must have been shocked. He cried very badly sitting on the floor, placing one hand on his face where I hurt him. The thing that came to my mind was… Oh why did I snap him so hard so many times? I felt very guilty… but the strong pride in me kept me from showing it on my face and insisted that Julian apologise for throwing tantrum… and he did. After that, he obediently went to the room and sat on the bed waiting for me to join him.

Dear me… How can I manage Julian when I cannot even control my own emotions? There is no difference between Julian showing his disagreements by throwing tantrum and me hitting him… I am angry with myself for using physical discipline on him, which I am always against of. Whatever positive parenting methods I knew of are always forgotten in times of frustrations.

When I apologised to Julian before he slept, he readily accepted it and gave me a kiss on my lips. How forgiving a little child can be. I thought about the many times he said sorry to me and I would still feel angry and did not accept his apology as readily as him.

Julian face still has the red marks of my snaps… 

Sorry Ju Ju… mummy will try again.