Hi friends, if you had visited my hubby’s blog, you would know that we are back in SIngapore. Do continue to check out his blog for updates of our trip.
Today is a very special day for my family, a day which we will never forget…
3 years ago, 5th August 2005, our first child was born to heaven… His name is Joshua.
John and I were married on 1st January 2005 and just before Chinese New Year in February, we found out that our baby was on his way.
Everything went on fine and exciting until a detailed scan scheduled on the morning of 24th May 2005, where doctors told us our baby had 3 major abnormalities: a cyst in the brain and his head slightly flat at the back; 2 major holes in the heart; and his intestines were outside his stomach. With several major abnormalities appearing together, we were told there was a possibility of Down’s Syndrome or even worse, Edward’s Syndrome where babies either pass away during pregnancy or shortly after birth.
We were strongly advised to go for the Amniocentesis. We knew about Amniocentesis but decided not to do it since we were keeping the baby. There was no need for us to risk a miscarriage just to find out if there was a chromosome defect. However, a catholic doctor explained to us that our situation was complicated and results from the test would allow us to focus on what we could do for the baby, and not whether to opt for abortion. If our baby had Edward’s Syndrome, there was no need to put him through unnecessary surgeries after birth since he would not survive. If our baby had Down’s Syndrome, we could focus on getting prepared for the surgeries needed after birth to save him.
Although we told the doctors we were not going to do the test, they kept an open appointment for us just in case we changed our minds. After a day of prayers and tears, we changed our minds the next morning. Somehow, we felt the test results could help us focus on what we could do once our baby was born. We prayed before going through the painful procedure and we were scheduled for an appointment on 8th June 2005 for the test results.
The wait for the result was agonisingly long. While we were trying to cope with the shock, many of our family members, relatives and friends strongly urged us to abort our baby even though we made it clear that we were keeping him. The pressure was intense and they felt that we were too brash in our decision without considering the consequences of keeping the baby, such as the huge financial, physical and mental burden. We were extremely disappointed that we didn’t get the support we hoped for. We emailed our Marriage Preparation Course presenting couple that night. They came to our home the next day and spent half a day with us. They also introduced us to a couple who had adopted a child with Down Syndrome. The sharing of their experiences, guidance and prayers touched us immensely. Over the next few days of prayers, many of the people around us had a change of hearts about abortion! They finally realised that every child is a blessing from God and the soul of every baby is beautiful and no longer pressed us to abort our baby. It was really encouraging! During this time, we named our little baby Joshua meaning, “God is Salvation”.
On 6th June 2005, I received a call from the hospital. The result was out early. Joshua had Edward’s Syndrome. We were already looking forward to having a Down’s Syndrome child but now, all our plans and dreams were shattered. Over the next few days, we could only vision Joshua’s funeral in our minds. We were encouraged by a friend to visit the Carmelite Sisters for prayers and we were glad we did. It was by the grace of God that Sr. Francisca was at the monastery gates even though we arrived way after the monastery’s closing time. Although the conversation was short, we were filled with a sense of hope and peace from Sr. Francisca’s encouragement. She became our spiritual mentor since then and was always there to support us.
After that, we decided to treasure and enjoy every moment of the pregnancy instead of dwelling in self-pity. We talked and sang to Joshua and we would read the children’s bible to him every night. Joshua was an active boy who was always kicking and moving especially at night but he gave his last kick on my birthday on 5th July 2005. Sensing something was not right, we went to the hospital three days later and the doctor told us Joshua’s heart was failing. We went back home and all we could do was pray. When we went back to the hospital four days later, our doctor was surprised that Joshua’s heart had somehow recovered although his movements did not resume. We were overwhelmed with joy.
When we went for another scheduled check-up on 2nd August 2005, scans revealed Joshua’s heart had stopped beating. We were shocked and heart-broken when we heard the news. Over the next 3 days, we had to prepare for Joshua’s delivery and funeral at the same time.
Joshua was born on 5th August after 17 hours of induced labour. On the next day, we held a beautiful funeral service for Joshua in the Church of St. Michael, which was attended by family members, relatives and close friends.
This was a difficult time for us. Although we looked cheerful most of the time, we experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions. We had hoped for a miracle but things did not turn out the way we wanted. It was especially painful when Joshua passed away, when we carried him the moment he was delivered but he did not move or cry like the other babies in the ward, when we discharged from the hospital without him, when we had to collect him from the mortuary and watch as he was laid into a casket instead of a cradle, and when we had to say goodbye to him after his funeral. It was also especially difficult when we went home empty-handed and to live through the period of maternity leave without Joshua.
However, we brought Joshua home in our hearts and the experience of loving him. Though we still cry today as we miss Joshua terribly, there is a sense of joy that Joshua is now with God because he completed his mission… that is to teach all of us what love is about.
Most people try to console us by saying “It’s over. Forget about it. You are still young and you can try again.” Well, we will always remember our baby boy and despite the difficult times, we feel incredibly privileged to have him in our lives even if only for a very short time. God has blessed us with a very special boy and through accepting what God has given us, we experienced the joy and peace of keeping faithful to God in our most difficult times. Having Joshua in our lives is already a miracle. We love him dearly and would never regret a moment of this.
As Sr. Francisca said, “The message that Joshua brings to this world is that pure love exists, we live out of love. We love through hearts. One little small heart has linked to many big hearts. My dear, the Lord gives, the Lord takes away. He is the creator. He has the right and He knows when is the best time for little Joshua to go back to Him as he has fulfilled the mission that God has entrusted to him. He died in the love of mom and dad. I guess he was happy to slip away in silence because he loves you.”
His life though fragile and brief had forever changed our lives…
Two months after Joshua left, Julian came.
All these while, we have been telling Julian that he has a Kor Kor in heaven who will meet him in his dreams and stay by his side to share his happiness and difficulties in his life.
Today, we celebrated Joshua’s birthday. To read more about Joshua’s birthday celebrations this year, do visit John’s blog.
Looking back, if I have a chance to choose whether I want to go through this again, I would say “Yes!”
Petite Home 