Yesterday, Julian fell outside our house door and had a small open wound on his knee.
Bedtime, halfway through reading a story to him, he began to talk to himself…
Ju: God, today I fell down. I pray that you can make the floor not rough. Make it into soft floor OK. So that when I fall down I will not be hurt…
We went for mass at Christ the King church today, standing in front of a picture of Jesus carrying his cross. Julian overlooked from daddy’s shoulder and asked…
Julian : Mummy, what is this?
Me : This is Jesus carrying a cross.
Julian : Ju Ju will grow up and carry cross. So big!
John and I looked at each other and smiled. Is there a message from God?
“It is time to let go…” is what my Gynae told me when he checked on me after I woke up from my General Anaesthesia on Thursday.
John accompanied me to Mount Alvernia Hospital on Thursday while Julian was left in the care of my mother in law. The scheduled time for my procedure was 1.30pm but doc was late as he was cropped up with another surgery before me. John waited with me in the Day Surgery ward. While waiting, we decided that we would name our baby “Jude”. You can read John’s blog on this.
It was about 2pm when the operating theatre attendant came to fetch me. The nurse told us I will take about 2 to 3 hours of rest after the procedure and I asked John to go home and rest instead of staying in the hospital. (We stay quite near to the hospital and it is only about 10mins of cab ride home).
Before the procedure, the only thing that kept my mind busy was whether an intravenous plug was going to be inserted for me. I was praying hard when I was parked along the waiting bay waiting for my turn “Please Lord, I don’t want an IV plug”. As I was wheeled into the operating theatre, I heard the anesthetist telling the nurse no need IV plug, only need gas… I was so happy! It meant no pain. (Despite my past occupation as a nurse, I have phobia of needles required for myself). There it goes, the anesthetist placed the mask over me and I was sedated after a few breaths.
The next thing I remembered was hearing someone calling my name repeatedly and I tried to open my eyes but they were heavy. The voice asked me to wriggle my toes and I did. Then I was wheeled off back to the Day Surgery ward. I was still mentally alert but physically very weak when the nurse and attendant transfered me over to the bed. When I was left alone, it then dwelled on me that everything was over. I cried. It was at this time my gynae came and stayed with me in silence for a while. He then said “It is time to let go…”
John and I were very grateful to be blessed with a good gynae. We got to know him from Marriage Preparation Course 3 years ago where he was giving an anti-abortion talk. From there, we knew that he is definitely pro-life and will give us all the possible solutions to keep our baby in case of any problem. Julian was birthed by him. For this pregnancy, we were surprised he did not charge us totally from the first appointment till this D&C procedure. We came to learn from the admin staff later that he usually charges about $1k plus for the procedure.
After he left, a nurse came and asked me whether I wanted her to call John to come. I told her not to as I thought John would be worried and rush over if he knew I was awake and sad. I knew he would come soon after he finish his lunch at home. The nurse sat with me and talked to me, I was still weak and drowsy, slowly regaining my strength from the General Anesthesia. The nurse told me, “The Lord gives freely, the Lord takes freely.” It reminded me of the words Sister Francisca SMSed me when Joshua left. The nurse cried when she was talking to me, I was very touched by her… I asked myself was I as loving as her when I was a nurse. She is God sent…
As she was still with me, a pastoral care staff came over and also sat and talked to me. She said she was not going to tell me words like “You are still young and can try again”. She reminded me to thank God for giving me Julian and a very caring hubby. I agreed. After this pregnancy, I appreciate Julian even more for he is the only survivor among our 3 kids.
John came much earlier than I had expected and he was surprised to see me eating porridge when he arrived. He said he took a cab back to the hospital after he lighted a candle at the alter for Jude and finished his lunch at home. He thought I would still be in a drowsy mode and felt guilty and disappointed with himself that he was not there when I regained consciousness. I did not blame him as I told him I was actually awaken by all the conversations I had. In fact, I was glad he lit a candle for Jude. I then told him about all the visits I had received and we went back home soon after.
Last Saturday, John and I decided to bring Julian to East Coast Beach for a stroll. We bought a balloon from Parkway Parade and each of us wrote messages on it for Jude. We told Julian Jude is in heaven and we are going to send this balloon up to him and he will get to see what we all had drawn and wrote for him. Julian then let the balloon off on the beach and said “Bye Bye baby”.
We stayed at my in law’s place since the D&C until Sunday. It had been a good break physically but in my mind, I cannot help thinking about Jude.
Before D&C, he appeared to us as an angel halo in my womb on the scans. No heartbeat, no fetus. I told John I am not able to connect myself with this pregnancy and I cannot describe how I feel. He reminded me again that life starts from conception…
It was after the procedure that all the thoughts started to drown my mind… My womb is empty… I had lost a child again… What have I done… How many of my future pregnancies will end up this way… I had experienced a still birth, a normal birth and a miscarriage, will the next one be an abnormal birth? Both John and I had went through the chromosome test after Joshua left but results showed we were both normal. Doctor said it is a coincidence but how many more coincidences will we have…
I have no answers for all. I knew of ladies out there who had worse experiences than me… one with many miscarriages before having a normal baby… one carrying baby till full term and baby left due to twisted cord… one who had 1 miscarriage and 2 normal kids and 1 child with Down Syndrome…
I can only leave all my trust in God that he will lead and guide us…
Went for check up with John at Gynae’s clinic today. Julian was at my mother in law’s place.
Really thank God that nothing had happened over the past week while John was away. Indeed, God will not give us a cross we cannot carry.
It is confirmed to be a case of empty yolk sac. Baby has not grown and the water bag remained the same size as a week ago while the yolk sac has shrunk. The water bag is also irregular in shape so all these meant that the pregnancy has ended. Fresh bleeding has also been observed so we have decided to go ahead with Dr’s advice to proceed with D&C this Thursday.
Back home, we showed Julian J3’s scan print out and told him baby is like a balloon in mummy’s tummy. He said “Baby is like ball”, smiled and gave baby a kiss on my tummy. Julian has grown so fond of baby and is already showing he can be a very caring kor kor. The saddest part of this experience is looking at how attached Julian is to baby, but won’t be able to see what baby is like. For now, we will think of a way to explain to Julian that “Baby is up there”.
Dear friends, thank you for all your prayers!
I am fine, physically resting well in my in law’s place, somehow mentally not dwelling in sadness. I am living my days as normal…
For the past few days, I searched through the internet on large yolk sac. There were people who were in the same situation who experienced their fetus growing later and eventually born normal. I should say that these testimonies gave me comfort and a little more hope. Even though I know chances are not high, but I am still praying and hoping…
On Monday, I went for church mass and the priest said in his sermon, “Jesus can turn something which is not so good into glory and grace. Nothing is impossible for him.”
I do not know what J3’s outcome will be but whatever it is, I will accept it…
“Baby is up there…” This was what Julian told me a few times last week when I was nursing him. I thought he was confused between Kor Kor Joshua and baby, and I corrected him saying “Kor Kor is up there, baby is down here in mummy’s tummy.”
On Friday night, I asked John, “What if doctor tells us that baby has no heartbeat tomorrow?” John commented that baby will be pessimistic and paranoid like me if I continue to think like that.
Yesterday, we went for my gynae appointment together. While doc was doing the scan for me, John and Ju waited outside the screen. Looking at the monitor, doc said “The yolk sac is larger than normal. It does not look too good.” What I saw on the monitor was a round empty ball with the layer of water bag around it. “What do you mean? Am I pregnant?” Doc said yes, but the fetus is not growing. It is abnormal. With this, the scan ended. Doc then told John that the pregnancy is not going on well and we all sat around doc’s table.
I do not know how I should react, but only kept thinking of questions to ask him. (Let me roughly recall our conversation)
Me : Am I really pregnant? Is there a baby?
Doc : Yes, what I can see is only 1mm. It is not in the shape of a fetus, but is you see it under microscope, you can see the clusters of cells.
Me : “What is the cause?”
Doc : 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriages. I would not say it is uncommon. It is usually due to chromosomal defects during the pregnancy.
Me : My first child also had chromosomal defect. Will my future pregnancies be like that?
Doc : These two pregnancies are not related. I would say it is just coincidence.
Me : If I had not came to see you earlier on, what will happen to me? Do I still still need to do D&C (wash out)?
Doc : When you have a miscarriage, you will experience bleeding. At 7 weeks, bleeding can be quite heavy with lumpy solids. It will not be like normal kind of menstruation and only about 70% will be out. So you will still have to go through D&C. It is a day surgery and will be done under General Anaesthesia so you will not feel anything.
Me : John is going overseas today. Can I don’t do it this week?
Doc : Yes. You can wait and see what happens but I will be away from Thursday to Sunday too. So if your bleeding happens to be between that period, my covering doctor will have to do for you.
Me : Let me think about it ok.
John : The past few days, Joan has been asking me what if doc tells us baby has no heartbeat.
Doc : It’s mother’s instinct… take your time to think about it and discuss ok?
We left the doctor’s office. We sat down on the couch and reality started to sink in. John then told me he actually had a bad feeling the day before too but did not tell me because he did not want me to get even more worried. I teared and discussed with John what should be done next.
John contemplated to cancel his trip but I told him not to. This is a overseas trip and it would not be good to let this be affected. He then said he would cut his trip short and board the next flight back if I have bleeding. I also told him not to. In the end, we decided that he will come back a day earlier. That means he will go straight to the airport after his course in Paris ends on Friday to take the night flight home instead of taking the Saturday noon flight. This way, he would reach SIngapore on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning.
The clinic nurse who used to be my poly classmate told me that she would also be on leave from Thursday to Sunday and advised me to do the procedure before that. At least she and doc can be around for me since John is not around. She asked me to go back and think about it and call her once I make up my mind, even if it is during the weekend. We left the clinic very heavy-hearted but we really appreciates the doc’s and my friend’s concern for us.
I decided to wait for John to return and John agreed. I would be staying over at John mum’s place during the week and hIs mum volunteered to look after Julian if I have to go for D&C during the week. I pray I do not have to. I am afraid. I will be alone going to hospital and leaving the hospital… worse if it happens between Thursday to Saturday. I hope this will not happen… Please pray for us…
I wonder what is God trying to teach me this time…
Julian… You are right! Baby is up there…
Hi friends, if you had visited my hubby’s blog, you would know that we are back in SIngapore. Do continue to check out his blog for updates of our trip.
Today is a very special day for my family, a day which we will never forget…
3 years ago, 5th August 2005, our first child was born to heaven… His name is Joshua.
John and I were married on 1st January 2005 and just before Chinese New Year in February, we found out that our baby was on his way.
Everything went on fine and exciting until a detailed scan scheduled on the morning of 24th May 2005, where doctors told us our baby had 3 major abnormalities: a cyst in the brain and his head slightly flat at the back; 2 major holes in the heart; and his intestines were outside his stomach. With several major abnormalities appearing together, we were told there was a possibility of Down’s Syndrome or even worse, Edward’s Syndrome where babies either pass away during pregnancy or shortly after birth.
We were strongly advised to go for the Amniocentesis. We knew about Amniocentesis but decided not to do it since we were keeping the baby. There was no need for us to risk a miscarriage just to find out if there was a chromosome defect. However, a catholic doctor explained to us that our situation was complicated and results from the test would allow us to focus on what we could do for the baby, and not whether to opt for abortion. If our baby had Edward’s Syndrome, there was no need to put him through unnecessary surgeries after birth since he would not survive. If our baby had Down’s Syndrome, we could focus on getting prepared for the surgeries needed after birth to save him.
Although we told the doctors we were not going to do the test, they kept an open appointment for us just in case we changed our minds. After a day of prayers and tears, we changed our minds the next morning. Somehow, we felt the test results could help us focus on what we could do once our baby was born. We prayed before going through the painful procedure and we were scheduled for an appointment on 8th June 2005 for the test results.
The wait for the result was agonisingly long. While we were trying to cope with the shock, many of our family members, relatives and friends strongly urged us to abort our baby even though we made it clear that we were keeping him. The pressure was intense and they felt that we were too brash in our decision without considering the consequences of keeping the baby, such as the huge financial, physical and mental burden. We were extremely disappointed that we didn’t get the support we hoped for. We emailed our Marriage Preparation Course presenting couple that night. They came to our home the next day and spent half a day with us. They also introduced us to a couple who had adopted a child with Down Syndrome. The sharing of their experiences, guidance and prayers touched us immensely. Over the next few days of prayers, many of the people around us had a change of hearts about abortion! They finally realised that every child is a blessing from God and the soul of every baby is beautiful and no longer pressed us to abort our baby. It was really encouraging! During this time, we named our little baby Joshua meaning, “God is Salvation”.
On 6th June 2005, I received a call from the hospital. The result was out early. Joshua had Edward’s Syndrome. We were already looking forward to having a Down’s Syndrome child but now, all our plans and dreams were shattered. Over the next few days, we could only vision Joshua’s funeral in our minds. We were encouraged by a friend to visit the Carmelite Sisters for prayers and we were glad we did. It was by the grace of God that Sr. Francisca was at the monastery gates even though we arrived way after the monastery’s closing time. Although the conversation was short, we were filled with a sense of hope and peace from Sr. Francisca’s encouragement. She became our spiritual mentor since then and was always there to support us.
After that, we decided to treasure and enjoy every moment of the pregnancy instead of dwelling in self-pity. We talked and sang to Joshua and we would read the children’s bible to him every night. Joshua was an active boy who was always kicking and moving especially at night but he gave his last kick on my birthday on 5th July 2005. Sensing something was not right, we went to the hospital three days later and the doctor told us Joshua’s heart was failing. We went back home and all we could do was pray. When we went back to the hospital four days later, our doctor was surprised that Joshua’s heart had somehow recovered although his movements did not resume. We were overwhelmed with joy.
When we went for another scheduled check-up on 2nd August 2005, scans revealed Joshua’s heart had stopped beating. We were shocked and heart-broken when we heard the news. Over the next 3 days, we had to prepare for Joshua’s delivery and funeral at the same time.
Joshua was born on 5th August after 17 hours of induced labour. On the next day, we held a beautiful funeral service for Joshua in the Church of St. Michael, which was attended by family members, relatives and close friends.
This was a difficult time for us. Although we looked cheerful most of the time, we experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions. We had hoped for a miracle but things did not turn out the way we wanted. It was especially painful when Joshua passed away, when we carried him the moment he was delivered but he did not move or cry like the other babies in the ward, when we discharged from the hospital without him, when we had to collect him from the mortuary and watch as he was laid into a casket instead of a cradle, and when we had to say goodbye to him after his funeral. It was also especially difficult when we went home empty-handed and to live through the period of maternity leave without Joshua.
However, we brought Joshua home in our hearts and the experience of loving him. Though we still cry today as we miss Joshua terribly, there is a sense of joy that Joshua is now with God because he completed his mission… that is to teach all of us what love is about.
Most people try to console us by saying “It’s over. Forget about it. You are still young and you can try again.” Well, we will always remember our baby boy and despite the difficult times, we feel incredibly privileged to have him in our lives even if only for a very short time. God has blessed us with a very special boy and through accepting what God has given us, we experienced the joy and peace of keeping faithful to God in our most difficult times. Having Joshua in our lives is already a miracle. We love him dearly and would never regret a moment of this.
As Sr. Francisca said, “The message that Joshua brings to this world is that pure love exists, we live out of love. We love through hearts. One little small heart has linked to many big hearts. My dear, the Lord gives, the Lord takes away. He is the creator. He has the right and He knows when is the best time for little Joshua to go back to Him as he has fulfilled the mission that God has entrusted to him. He died in the love of mom and dad. I guess he was happy to slip away in silence because he loves you.”
His life though fragile and brief had forever changed our lives…
Two months after Joshua left, Julian came.
All these while, we have been telling Julian that he has a Kor Kor in heaven who will meet him in his dreams and stay by his side to share his happiness and difficulties in his life.
Today, we celebrated Joshua’s birthday. To read more about Joshua’s birthday celebrations this year, do visit John’s blog.
Looking back, if I have a chance to choose whether I want to go through this again, I would say “Yes!”
From a book, Father, The Family Protector – by James Stenson…
A man’s main job in his family is to protect from harm. A man protects his wife and children from whatever threatens their welfare and happiness, both now and later in life. If he fails at this great responsibility, his family suffers.
To Petite dad, John:
Dar, Thank you for being supportive in whatever I do, especially in my role of a full time mum for the past year. You are always trying your best to fulfil the responsibility in protecting our family in many ways. You had been patient with me whenever I am grumpy and cranky. Thank you for sacrificing your time in sharing the load of cooking, washing dishes and looking after Julian everyday when you are back from work. Thank you for not forgetting to keep a smile on your face whenever I need it.
A father’s prayer below to share with all fathers out there… Happy Fathers’ Day!
__________________________________________________________________________
O God our heavenly Father,
I ask your blessing on me as a husband and father.
I renew each day my love for my life and children,
committing myself to share my time with them and to listen to them,
to affirm and to encourage them.
Help me be faithful to all my reponsibilities.
Grant me strength to share with my wife the duties of child caring and household chores.
Give me wisdom and grace in educating my children by words and by deeds.
I acknowledge my failures and shortcomings,
and surrender my excuses.
Let me trust in you and gain strength in your power through frequent prayers.
May I always find joy in my family relationships.
This I ask in Jesus’ name.
Amen.
I am always fascinated whenever Julian expresses his faith spontaneously.
Yesterday, he was happily doing shuttle run from one end of the kitchen to the other end, to and fro, while I was preparing his tea. Then, a familiar tune came from him. Singing… “Hail Mary, Full of grace.. The Lord is with you.. Blessed are you… women… blessed… womb… Jesus” He repeated this verse for 3 times, still running to and fro within the kitchen. I ran and grabbed my camera immediately and caught him on video. This is the first time he sang this prayer despite us singing it to him since he was a baby.
A milestone record for him again.
I would like to share this prayer with you, taken from a prayer card given to me by Julian’s godmother. This is a prayer which I will go to whenever I feel down in my parenting journey.
Happy Mothers’ Day to all out there who are holding this vocation as a mum!
__________________________________________________________________________________
O God, help me always appreciate the most important task of home making.
Remind me of this when I am tired of household chores and caring for children, (and still have to work outside).
Help me realize how much my husband and children need me, and grant me understanding when they take me for granted.
Grant me the strength when I am tired, weary and stressed.
Calm me when I am impatient, irritable and angry.
Bless my husband, that he may be dedicated to the family.
Bless my children, that they be healthy in body and soul.
Let our family relationships be loving and joyous; our communication be trusting and attentive.
When the children grow up, may I be gracious in letting them go, and they be strengthened to fulfill their responsibilities in society and Church.
This I ask in Jesus name.
Amen.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Petite Home 