The Marshmallow Experiment

The marshmallow experiment is a famous test of this concept conducted by Walter Mischel at Stanford University and discussed by Daniel Goleman in his popular work. In the 1960s, a group of four-year olds were given a marshmallow and promised another, only if they could wait 20 minutes before eating the first one. Some children could wait and others could not.

The researchers then followed the progress of each child into adolescence, and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable.

Letting go…

“It is time to let go…” is what my Gynae told me when he checked on me after I woke up from my General Anaesthesia on Thursday. 

John accompanied me to Mount Alvernia Hospital on Thursday while Julian was left in the care of my mother in law. The scheduled time for my procedure was 1.30pm but doc was late as he was cropped up with another surgery before me. John waited with me in the Day Surgery ward. While waiting, we decided that we would name our baby “Jude”. You can read John’s blog on this.

It was about 2pm when the operating theatre attendant came to fetch me. The nurse told us I will take about 2 to 3 hours of rest after the procedure and I asked John to go home and rest instead of staying in the hospital. (We stay quite near to the hospital and it is only about 10mins of cab ride home).

Before the procedure, the only thing that kept my mind busy was whether an intravenous plug was going to be inserted for me. I was praying hard when I was parked along the waiting bay waiting for my turn “Please Lord, I don’t want an IV plug”. As I was wheeled into the operating theatre, I heard the anesthetist telling the nurse no need IV plug, only need gas… I was so happy! It meant no pain. (Despite my past occupation as a nurse, I have phobia of needles required for myself). There it goes, the anesthetist placed the mask over me and I was sedated after a few breaths.

The next thing I remembered was hearing someone calling my name repeatedly and I tried to open my eyes but they were heavy. The voice asked me to wriggle my toes and I did. Then I was wheeled off back to the Day Surgery ward. I was still mentally alert but physically very weak when the nurse and attendant transfered me over to the bed. When I was left alone, it then dwelled on me that everything was over. I cried. It was at this time my gynae came and stayed with me in silence for a while. He then said “It is time to let go…” 

John and I were very grateful to be blessed with a good gynae. We got to know him from Marriage Preparation Course 3 years ago where he was giving an anti-abortion talk. From there, we knew that he is definitely pro-life and will give us all the possible solutions to keep our baby in case of any problem. Julian was birthed by him. For this pregnancy, we were surprised he did not charge us totally from the first appointment till this D&C procedure. We came to learn from the admin staff later that he usually charges about $1k plus for the procedure.

After he left, a nurse came and asked me whether I wanted her to call John to come. I told her not to as I thought John would be worried and rush over if he knew I was awake and sad. I knew he would come soon after he finish his lunch at home. The nurse sat with me and talked to me, I was still weak and drowsy, slowly regaining my strength from the General Anesthesia. The nurse told me, “The Lord gives freely, the Lord takes freely.” It reminded me of the words Sister Francisca SMSed me when Joshua left. The nurse cried when she was talking to me, I was very touched by her… I asked myself was I as loving as her when I was a nurse. She is God sent…

As she was still with me, a pastoral care staff came over and also sat and talked to me. She said she was not going to tell me words like “You are still young and can try again”. She reminded me to thank God for giving me Julian and a very caring hubby.  I agreed. After this pregnancy, I appreciate Julian even more for he is the only survivor among our 3 kids.

John came much earlier than I had expected and he was surprised to see me eating porridge when he arrived. He said he took a cab back to the hospital after he lighted a candle at the alter for Jude and finished his lunch at home. He thought I would still be in a drowsy mode and felt guilty and disappointed with himself that he was not there when I regained consciousness. I did not blame him as I told him I was actually awaken by all the conversations I had. In fact, I was glad he lit a candle for Jude. I then told him about all the visits I had received and we went back home soon after.

Last Saturday, John and I decided to bring Julian to East Coast Beach for a stroll. We bought a balloon from Parkway Parade and each of us wrote messages on it for Jude. We told Julian Jude is in heaven and we are going to send this balloon up to him and he will get to see what we all had drawn and wrote for him. Julian then let the balloon off on the beach and said “Bye Bye baby”.

We stayed at my in law’s place since the D&C until Sunday. It had been a good break physically but in my mind, I cannot help thinking about Jude. 

Before D&C, he appeared to us as an angel halo in my womb on the scans. No heartbeat, no fetus. I told John I am not able to connect myself with this pregnancy and I cannot describe how I feel. He reminded me again that life starts from conception…

It was after the procedure that all the thoughts started to drown my mind… My womb is empty… I had lost a child again… What have I done…  How many of my future pregnancies will end up this way… I had experienced a still birth, a normal birth and a miscarriage, will the next one be an abnormal birth? Both John and I had went through the chromosome test after Joshua left but results showed we were both normal. Doctor said it is a coincidence but how many more coincidences will we have…

I have no answers for all. I knew of ladies out there who had worse experiences than me… one with many miscarriages before having a normal baby… one carrying baby till full term and baby left due to twisted cord… one who had 1 miscarriage and 2 normal kids and 1 child with Down Syndrome…

I can only leave all my trust in God that he will lead and guide us…

Baby is really up there…

Went for check up with John at Gynae’s clinic today. Julian was at my mother in law’s place.

Really thank God that nothing had happened over the past week while John was away. Indeed, God will not give us a cross we cannot carry.

It is confirmed to be a case of empty yolk sac.  Baby has not grown and the water bag remained the same size as a week ago while the yolk sac has shrunk.  The water bag is also irregular in shape so all these meant that the pregnancy has ended.  Fresh bleeding has also been observed so we have decided to go ahead with Dr’s advice to proceed with D&C this Thursday. 

Back home, we showed Julian J3’s scan print out and told him baby is like a balloon in mummy’s tummy. He said “Baby is like ball”, smiled and gave baby a kiss on my tummy. Julian has grown so fond of baby and is already showing he can be a very caring kor kor.  The saddest part of this experience is looking at how attached Julian is to baby, but won’t be able to see what baby is like.  For now, we will think of a way to explain to Julian that “Baby is up there”.

Dear friends, thank you for all your prayers!

Hope

I am fine, physically resting well in my in law’s place, somehow mentally not dwelling in sadness. I am living my days as normal…

For the past few days, I searched through the internet on large yolk sac. There were people who were in the same situation who experienced their fetus growing later and eventually born normal. I should say that these testimonies gave me comfort and a little more hope. Even though I know chances are not high, but I am still praying and hoping…

On Monday, I went for church mass and the priest said in his sermon, “Jesus can turn something which is not so good into glory and grace. Nothing is impossible for him.”

I do not know what J3’s outcome will be but whatever it is, I will accept it…

Baby is up there…

“Baby is up there…” This was what Julian told me a few times last week when I was nursing him. I thought he was confused between Kor Kor Joshua and baby, and I corrected him saying “Kor Kor is up there, baby is down here in mummy’s tummy.”

On Friday night, I asked John, “What if doctor tells us that baby has no heartbeat tomorrow?” John commented that baby will be pessimistic and paranoid like me if I continue to think like that.

Yesterday, we went for my gynae appointment together. While doc was doing the scan for me, John and Ju waited outside the screen. Looking at the monitor, doc said “The yolk sac is larger than normal. It does not look too good.” What I saw on the monitor was a round empty ball with the layer of water bag around it. “What do you mean? Am I pregnant?” Doc said yes, but the fetus is not growing. It is abnormal. With this, the scan ended. Doc then told John that the pregnancy is not going on well and we all sat around doc’s table.

I do not know how I should react, but only kept thinking of questions to ask him. (Let me roughly recall our conversation)

Me : Am I really pregnant? Is there a baby?

Doc : Yes, what I can see is only 1mm. It is not in the shape of a fetus, but is you see it under microscope, you can see the clusters of cells.

Me : “What is the cause?” 

Doc : 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriages. I would not say it is uncommon. It is usually due to chromosomal defects during the pregnancy.

Me : My first child also had chromosomal defect. Will my future pregnancies be like that?

Doc : These two pregnancies are not related. I would say it is just coincidence.

Me : If I had not came to see you earlier on, what will happen to me? Do I still still need to do D&C (wash out)?

Doc : When you have a miscarriage, you will experience bleeding. At 7 weeks, bleeding can be quite heavy with lumpy solids. It will not be like normal kind of menstruation and only about 70% will be out. So you will still have to go through D&C. It is a day surgery and will be done under General Anaesthesia so you will not feel anything.

Me : John is going overseas today. Can I don’t do it this week?

Doc : Yes. You can wait and see what happens but I will be away from Thursday to Sunday too. So if your bleeding happens to be between that period, my covering doctor will have to do for you.

Me : Let me think about it ok.

John : The past few days, Joan has been asking me what if doc tells us baby has no heartbeat.

Doc : It’s mother’s instinct… take your time to think about it and discuss ok?

We left the doctor’s office. We sat down on the couch and reality started to sink in. John then told me he actually had a bad feeling the day before too but did not tell me because he did not want me to get even more worried. I teared and discussed with John what should be done next.

John contemplated to cancel his trip but I told him not to. This is a overseas trip and it would not be good to let this be affected. He then said he would cut his trip short and board the next flight back if I have bleeding. I also told him not to. In the end, we decided that he will come back a day earlier. That means he will go straight to the airport after his course in Paris ends on Friday to take the night flight home instead of taking the Saturday noon flight. This way, he would reach SIngapore on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning.

The clinic nurse who used to be my poly classmate told me that she would also be on leave from Thursday to Sunday and advised me to do the procedure before that. At least she and doc can be around for me since John is not around. She asked me to go back and think about it and call her once I make up my mind, even if it is during the weekend. We left the clinic very heavy-hearted but we really appreciates the doc’s and my friend’s concern for us.

I decided to wait for John to return and John agreed. I would be staying over at John mum’s place during the week and hIs mum volunteered to look after Julian if I have to go for D&C during the week. I pray I do not have to. I am afraid. I will be alone going to hospital and leaving the hospital… worse if it happens between Thursday to Saturday. I hope this will not happen… Please pray for us…

I wonder what is God trying to teach me this time… 

Julian… You are right! Baby is up there…

Exhausted?!

John is recovering from his pain… Still can feel the pain in throat when swallowing but not as sharp as before now… Thank God for the recovery! John is going to fly off on Saturday night. Thank you Dar for helping me out when you are sick!

My tiredness, aches and pains are not going away. I can feel them over my arms, fingers, shoulders, back, thighs… literally everywhere… I laid down on the bed for about 30mins when Ju was napping but just could not sleep, but feeling very tired. I don’t like this feeling… like an elderly lady. My head felt heavy, eyes tired…

Earlier in the day, I received a call from my mother in law when I was at Toa Payoh Central getting some stuffs… She posted me a simple mathematical problem to help her solve. “The herb cost $520. There will be a 40% discount. How much do I need to pay?” In my mind… that’s easy! Just take 520 divide by 100 and multiply by 6. But wait a moment! What is the answer for 5.2 x 6?! I tried to do a quick mental calculation while my mil waited on the other end but… I can’t solve this!! I can’t believe it! I told my mil I will call her back and ended the call. I tried to do the calculation mentally again… but still CAN’T!! What’s happening to my brain? Why am I not able to focus! I then resorted to looking for the calculator function on my hp but… I can’t find it on my hp! ( This Nokia E51 functions categories made me blur… ha!) After that, I took another 5mins to calculate the sum mentally since I do not have a pen with me. 

I was quite affected by my inability to do the calculation off hand… sob! What is happening to my brain? Getting slower and more forgetful too. ( There were many many occasions where I just cannot remember things) Is this a sign of early dementia? I told John about this later on and he comforted me by saying I am not used to doing calculations like this and it is normal to be a little slower. I told him I should start buying maths assessment books for my brain to work on and he said he will buy a Pri 3 assessment book for me to start with! Ha!

I think I am too exhausted… Some people might comment that this is due to me quitting my job and be a full time mum which took away my brain activities ( I had received this “warning” by several people… On the other hand, if i am not staying at home, then who will be able to nurture my kids? Isn’t the first few years the most important years? Hmm… Am i not using my brains when thinking of how to tackle the many challenges my son is giving me everyday?

Anyway, I am fine. I really am… I am not feeling upset… Just wanted to save part of memory here before i forget what I had gone through…

Lessons from the Past

A large part of my childhood memory is filled with unhappiness and fearful days. When I was younger, I used to ask myself what have I done to deserve such a childhood. Why am I different from my friends who can talk about anything openly to their parents without fear. My mum was a Schizophrenia sufferer and had many relapse back then (Now, she is well under control and is as normal as anyone of us). My parents were later separated not long after I started working. Very long story… Anyway, few years ago, we contacted our father and our family will meet up once in awhile… My parents have both left things as it is and moved on with each of their lives. 

Well.. A typical day when I was a little girl was like this… Forcing me to finish big bowls of food at all meals.. Frequent scoldings for non meaningful issues.. Parents quarrel over family finance issues.. Getting strokes from the cane as I grew to be rebellious, frequently telling lies, bringing home poor results from school, parents called up by my teachers. All these ended when I entered Secondary school where I decided to take the chance of a “new life” and strive to be a better girl.

Why did I bring up this personal history of mine over here? Well… I had a bad day yesterday and did some reflection on it. Long before Julian arrived, I had a strong desire in me… that is to have a family different from where I came from. I must emphasize that I do not blame any of my parents for the history. In fact, I thank them and especially thank God for giving me the chance to experience all the difficulties when I was young. Today I no longer ask myself what have I done to deserve this unhappy childhood. It was through these experiences where I am strengthen and know what I want in my life. I am more conscious and aware of myself that I do not want my family to be like that. And at the same time learn from my parents on how forgiving they can be. The most important thing is no problem is a problem, everything can be solved. It is just a matter of time and perseverance, and of course I must have the willingness to change when things are not ideal anymore.

Back to now… the issue here is about feeding Julian. 

We started teaching Julian to self feed when he started taking solids. I had been doing fine until few months ago, I find myself feeding him and slowly began to force feed him. Few days ago, I decided to stop this bad habit of mine and start him back on self feeding again. Yesterday was the third day, it was tough! Every meal is a struggle.. Offer him food on highchair.. He will eat abit.. then say don’t want.. I will bring him down and clear the food away… Then he will cry for more food.. It was very very frustrating for after 3 days of this! Yesterday afternoon, I left him crying in the living room and I closed myself up in the room trying to cool down. After that, I opened the door and gave him a tight hug then talked to him… telling him how sad I am to see him behave like that. I apologized to him and made peace with him. I guess he understood, because he said… Sorry mummy for not eating food. We hugged together and I cried too. 

I emailed a friend who used to be in the same situation and received her encouraging reply few hours later. She gave me some tips on how she handled her kids with their feeding problem and ask me to persevere. I took that to heart. At night, I thought over what I should do and went to bed.

Today, the first thing I told myself when i woke up was.. I am going to educate in good mood today! haha! That was what I learnt in a parenting course. And so, I maintained my mood at tip top condition today.. switching back to positive education too. Today, Julian got to choose what he wants to eat and what not to. Strangely, he requested for porridge (He usually hates that and it is very difficult to get him eat it). I granted his wish and guided him through the whole process of cooking porridge, from washing rice to preparing meat. And, he finished the whole pot of porridge (with me eating all the chunky pieces of meat and  feeding him a few spoons of porridge in between). It is a good start for both of us. I will try again to maintain this way to encourage him self feed.

Wish me all the best!

And oh yes! For his chicken pox update… Only waiting for a few stubborn spots to drop off.. that’s all!

My mama

Today we all woke up at 7am in the morning. Together with my brother, we accompanied my mama for a full body check up. Over the past few months, my mama had lost about 15kg without knowing what was the reason. It is worrying to see her depleting from a slightly plump lady to a skinny 38kg now. I am praying that nothing serious will reflect on her medical report which will be ready in 1 week’s time. Please keep her in your prayers too.

My brother and I asked her jokingly over lunch what if the result shows she has cancer. She answered, “Cancer cancer lor. Just wait to die lah!” We all laughed it off.

It has been a long time since my brother and I went out with my mama to eat and shop despite they are only staying a few blocks away from my flat. My parents were separated and staying apart. She is most of the time alone. She works 12noon to 11pm everyday at a hawker centre collecting dishes and only gets her day off once in two weeks… Very very tiring standing or walking whole day, and yet she has no complains. During the medical check survey, there were 2 questions on whether she felt stressed or tired. Her answers were “No” to both. I felt ashamed that here I am, frequently saying ” I am tired” looking after only ONE child at home (but no regrets).

I wish I have a strong virtue of fortitude, just like her. And yes, I have a long way to go…

 

 

Story retold

Earlier on, Julian picked this book from his shelf… Goldilocks and The Three Bears… his all time favourite. He flipped to the second page and examined the pictures for quite awhile.

Me : Julian, would you like to read to mummy?

Julian : Once upon a time, there were 3 bears. Jie Jie bear, father bear and baby bear. They go for walk and eat porridge.

 

I was touched by what he said. This shows what we read to him was received.

One love story

A friend emailed me this story yesterday. It greatly touched my heart and reminded me of the many lonely elderly residents in the nursing home which I previously worked in. I miss them and had always wanted to go and visit them but somehow was put on hold for some unknown reasons within me. It has been 15 months since I gave up my job and stayed full time with Julian.

Well… perhaps its time to bring Julian along for a visit…

The story goes…

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appt. at 9:00 am.   I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.  I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. 
 
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. 
 
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. 
 
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.  As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.  He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. 
 
I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’ 
 
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, 
but I still know who she is.’ 
 
I had to hold back tears as he left. I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, ‘That is the kind of love I want in my life.’ 
 
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.  To love is to be open to sorrow. The more one loves, the more one is open to sorrow. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have. 
 
‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.’