“It is time to let go…” is what my Gynae told me when he checked on me after I woke up from my General Anaesthesia on Thursday.
John accompanied me to Mount Alvernia Hospital on Thursday while Julian was left in the care of my mother in law. The scheduled time for my procedure was 1.30pm but doc was late as he was cropped up with another surgery before me. John waited with me in the Day Surgery ward. While waiting, we decided that we would name our baby “Jude”. You can read John’s blog on this.
It was about 2pm when the operating theatre attendant came to fetch me. The nurse told us I will take about 2 to 3 hours of rest after the procedure and I asked John to go home and rest instead of staying in the hospital. (We stay quite near to the hospital and it is only about 10mins of cab ride home).
Before the procedure, the only thing that kept my mind busy was whether an intravenous plug was going to be inserted for me. I was praying hard when I was parked along the waiting bay waiting for my turn “Please Lord, I don’t want an IV plug”. As I was wheeled into the operating theatre, I heard the anesthetist telling the nurse no need IV plug, only need gas… I was so happy! It meant no pain. (Despite my past occupation as a nurse, I have phobia of needles required for myself). There it goes, the anesthetist placed the mask over me and I was sedated after a few breaths.
The next thing I remembered was hearing someone calling my name repeatedly and I tried to open my eyes but they were heavy. The voice asked me to wriggle my toes and I did. Then I was wheeled off back to the Day Surgery ward. I was still mentally alert but physically very weak when the nurse and attendant transfered me over to the bed. When I was left alone, it then dwelled on me that everything was over. I cried. It was at this time my gynae came and stayed with me in silence for a while. He then said “It is time to let go…”
John and I were very grateful to be blessed with a good gynae. We got to know him from Marriage Preparation Course 3 years ago where he was giving an anti-abortion talk. From there, we knew that he is definitely pro-life and will give us all the possible solutions to keep our baby in case of any problem. Julian was birthed by him. For this pregnancy, we were surprised he did not charge us totally from the first appointment till this D&C procedure. We came to learn from the admin staff later that he usually charges about $1k plus for the procedure.
After he left, a nurse came and asked me whether I wanted her to call John to come. I told her not to as I thought John would be worried and rush over if he knew I was awake and sad. I knew he would come soon after he finish his lunch at home. The nurse sat with me and talked to me, I was still weak and drowsy, slowly regaining my strength from the General Anesthesia. The nurse told me, “The Lord gives freely, the Lord takes freely.” It reminded me of the words Sister Francisca SMSed me when Joshua left. The nurse cried when she was talking to me, I was very touched by her… I asked myself was I as loving as her when I was a nurse. She is God sent…
As she was still with me, a pastoral care staff came over and also sat and talked to me. She said she was not going to tell me words like “You are still young and can try again”. She reminded me to thank God for giving me Julian and a very caring hubby. I agreed. After this pregnancy, I appreciate Julian even more for he is the only survivor among our 3 kids.
John came much earlier than I had expected and he was surprised to see me eating porridge when he arrived. He said he took a cab back to the hospital after he lighted a candle at the alter for Jude and finished his lunch at home. He thought I would still be in a drowsy mode and felt guilty and disappointed with himself that he was not there when I regained consciousness. I did not blame him as I told him I was actually awaken by all the conversations I had. In fact, I was glad he lit a candle for Jude. I then told him about all the visits I had received and we went back home soon after.
Last Saturday, John and I decided to bring Julian to East Coast Beach for a stroll. We bought a balloon from Parkway Parade and each of us wrote messages on it for Jude. We told Julian Jude is in heaven and we are going to send this balloon up to him and he will get to see what we all had drawn and wrote for him. Julian then let the balloon off on the beach and said “Bye Bye baby”.
We stayed at my in law’s place since the D&C until Sunday. It had been a good break physically but in my mind, I cannot help thinking about Jude.
Before D&C, he appeared to us as an angel halo in my womb on the scans. No heartbeat, no fetus. I told John I am not able to connect myself with this pregnancy and I cannot describe how I feel. He reminded me again that life starts from conception…
It was after the procedure that all the thoughts started to drown my mind… My womb is empty… I had lost a child again… What have I done… How many of my future pregnancies will end up this way… I had experienced a still birth, a normal birth and a miscarriage, will the next one be an abnormal birth? Both John and I had went through the chromosome test after Joshua left but results showed we were both normal. Doctor said it is a coincidence but how many more coincidences will we have…
I have no answers for all. I knew of ladies out there who had worse experiences than me… one with many miscarriages before having a normal baby… one carrying baby till full term and baby left due to twisted cord… one who had 1 miscarriage and 2 normal kids and 1 child with Down Syndrome…
I can only leave all my trust in God that he will lead and guide us…
